I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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