i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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