At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
