I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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