He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
