I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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