So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so let's talk penis.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
