you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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