I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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