You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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