that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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