after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
