Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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