its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
