I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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