if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
