it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
