Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
