I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
