So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
