I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
