I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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