The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
