On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
