I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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