just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
