my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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