She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
