There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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