Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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