I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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