Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
