Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
