imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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