I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
His nipple licking is glorious
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