I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
