The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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