Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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