Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
