I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
