I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
