I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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