wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
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If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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