I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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