hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
