Tell her she can't have a vagina
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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