I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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