I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think your dad took our porno
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
