Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
