what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
