What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
