There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
