I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
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This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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