Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
