remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
