I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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