saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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