Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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