yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
