I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
