god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
