My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
