If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
